Deeply Disturbing

In January 2017 we went for an ultrasound at nine weeks and the doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat. We lived in Armenia at the time, so the doctor was not a native English speaker and he kept saying I had “a missed abortion” (medical terminology meaning a miscarriage has occurred but the placenta and embryonic tissue remain in the uterus). We were devastated. I thought it was my fault.

The doctor explained that it is actually quite common and I could wait for the fetus to naturally pass or I could have a dilation and curettage procedure (abortion) to remove the uterine tissue. We went home to grieve and consider our options. Having a toddler at home, I did not want to traumatize her if my body spontaneously completed the miscarriage while we were alone together; I also wanted to reduce my risk of infection. So I had an abortion the next day. I’m grateful that this medical procedure was available to me and that I was able to decide what was right for my body and our family. Several times throughout this ordeal I thought about the politics surrounding abortion. I even wrote my conservative congressman to share my story and encourage him not to support legislation that restricts women’s rights to make their own health care decisions.

Let’s think about that for a moment - I had just gone through a devastating pregnancy loss and a traumatic procedure in a post-Soviet hospital, and one of my recurring thoughts was, “Would Republicans be ok with my abortion since there was no heartbeat?” That is deeply disturbing.

Politicians and courts should not be making decisions that affect the most intimate moments of a woman’s life.

There is no analogous moment in a man's life that is so heavily scrutinized by politicians and the general public.

After another miscarriage and one more healthy pregnancy and birth, our family is complete and I no longer suffer the pain of those pregnancy losses. But I can feel the pain, anxiety, and fear of so many women in America who are faced with an unplanned or unsafe pregnancy.

 It feels impossible to open the minds of those who are fixed in opposition to abortion, but I was once one of those people...before I knew anything about the complexities of pregnancy, child birth, and parenting. As I stepped outside of my comfort zone to learn more about other people's lives and circumstances, I realized I was wrong. Now after experiencing pregnancy, miscarriages, birth, and motherhood, I am even more convinced that pregnancy should not be forced upon anyone.