The Hardest Choice

I had just moved an hour away with my then 6 year old son for a new job opportunity. I wasn't even at my new job for a week when I started to feel sick. I stopped at the store on my way home. Took the pregnancy test immediately, it was positive. I didn't even have a house phone connected nor could I afford a cell phone. I dug up all the change I could find and called "him".

He reacted exactly how I expected...he strongly stated he didn't want anymore kids, he already had a child same age as my son. It was a short conversation to say the least. I knew he would not support me at all if I decided to go through with the pregnancy.

I was raised catholic, taught that abortion was a sin.

Lets not forget I had a child at 19 out of wed-lock already. My family would not be thrilled if I became pregnant again. That would have made me a 25 year old struggling single mom with two kids instead of one. I was raising my son 100% alone, his father passed away from Lupus a few years earlier. I was in a new town, new job, no money and with no help from family.

I felt lost, mad and scared. I didn't want anyone to know, in fear of judgment. I could not bring a child into my home when I barley could keep food on the table for the one I had already. I opened up the yellow pages and started looking up "abortion providers". I had to schedule it around the same time as my payday. I dipped in to what should have been my electric bill money, and went to the first appointment.

They determined how far along I was and scheduled me to come back with the rest of the money on the day of the procedure. I remember going the day of and feeling so alone and ashamed.

I was taken back to the room. Everything was a blur, like I was there but I wasn't.

The only thing a do remember is the sweet voice of the nurse who had a beautiful accent. She took my hand and told me I was going to be okay. After a what seemed like a few minutes, I was back in the recovery area with other women. I sat there and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I knew the decision I made was the right one for me at that time. I knew the resources the community said would be available to me to raise another child, wasn't much of anything, and I would be in a constant cycle of poverty. Almost 20 years later, I still think about that day and at times I cry, and that's okay.

It was the hardest choice I ever had to make, but it was my choice, and my choice alone.