give her grace.

In July of 2018, my husband and I decided together that we were done having children. Our son was almost two years old, and we felt content with our little family. Two weeks later, we found out our plans were about to change. I was pregnant, 4 weeks. Although this was a curve ball in our family plans, we were excited to welcome another addition.

At 8 weeks we had our first ultrasound, but the curve balls kept coming, twins.

We laughed, we cried, and we panicked but we also started to plan. Two more babies? I was researching names, nursery layouts, what to expect while expecting multiples. At our 10-week anatomy scan I could tell something was off. Baby B wasn’t as active as Baby A and was smaller. We were told that Baby B was measuring 5 days behind Baby A and although that isn’t incredibly uncommon with multiples, what was uncommon was the amount of fluid they had measured behind Baby B’s neck. It was indicative of a birth defect, likely “Down Syndrome” is what I was told by my routine OB-GYN. I was informed he had never seen this in his practice and that I would need another doctor as he wasn’t qualified to care for this type of Pregnancy. With zero guidance from my physician, I blindly researched diagnostic testing with twins. An amniocentesis performed on twins. We lived in Michigan at the time and the only healthcare system that would conduct that test was The University of Michigan. I called, desperate for guidance and was quite surprised when I was suddenly speaking to a geneticist. She scheduled me for an emergency ultrasound at 7 am the next morning.

Terrified, we were led to the ultrasound room.

It was confirmed that Baby B had a physical abnormality, and we would need genetic testing performed. U of M is one of the only facilities in Michigan that will perform this test due to the risk to the other baby.

At 12 weeks, I suffered a subchorionic hemorrhage in my kitchen.

I had just worked an 8-hour shift as a floor RN in Downtown Detroit. My husband rushed me to the nearest emergency room. They performed blood work and an ultrasound to confirm that both babies had heartbeats but was told that there was nothing they could do. I was either going to recover or miscarry and nothing could be done. I was put on bedrest for a week while I healed.

My body recovered but Baby B’s fate became more and more grim as my pregnancy progressed. The amniocentesis was no longer an option due to the bleed; it was now too high risk.

I could lose both babies.

Genetic and gender blood work was conducted. One male and one female fetus, and upon anatomy confirmation “Baby A appeared to be male” which meant, Baby B was our little girl. We were told at our next ultrasound that Baby B was incompatible with life post birth. She had severe spina bifida, her brain was being pulled into her spinal cord, her heart had multiple defects and she would not live, she was not viable.

That is when we were presented with the option to choose.

I could carry her to term and watch her suffer after birth while she slowly passed away within minutes or we could choose a fetal reduction, abort Baby B. Due to the laws in Michigan we only had weeks to decide.

Only 2 weeks to decide to end a life and save another.

Baby A’s life was at risk every day that we continued with our pregnancy, we could lose them both. We were sent home with an impossible decision to make. Shortly after, I suffered a second subchorionic hemorrhage. Same situation, ultrasounds were performed to verify life and we were sent home to “wait.” At 16 weeks we walked into U of M after the most difficult decision of our lives, we had decided to have a fetal reduction.

We chose not to allow our little girl to suffer post birth. An ultrasound guided needle was inserted through my abdomen into her heart where it was stopped.

The emotional pain far outweighed the intense physical pain I endured during this procedure. Her body remained with me for the rest of my pregnancy. After a few weeks of monitoring, I was able to resume medical care by my routine OB-GYN and Baby A was born healthy at 39 weeks via C-Section. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of my little girl and all that she could have become but I also feel at peace knowing that I was able to choose whether she suffered or not. She was never touched by fear, she was never cold, or hungry or in pain, she was never alone. And most importantly, she always knew love.

It was my choice as her mother to give her grace and I believe it should always be the mother’s choice.