Every Choice

I've had three abortions. The first was at 19, after a former high school classmate had non-consensual sex with me when I was passed out from drinking too much. I pieced it together after I realized that I'd gone to sleep with a tampon in and woken up without one-- and I had vague, hazy recollections of him hovering above me.

The second was at 21, after a night with someone I didn't love. Both of those abortions were easy choices to make at the time. I don't have regrets. The third was many years later, at 33, when my son was eight months old. Though I loved his father very much, our relationship was not healthy. I was deep in the throes of a postpartum depression that made caring for my infant a daily challenge. It turned out to be twins.

That one was hard.

Still is, but I know I made the right choice for the child I have. This was the only of my abortions about which I conferred with the father. I struggled to produce enough milk for my son and between that, my unhealthy relationship with his father and the sleep deprivation, I knew in my bones I would literally die if I had to care for another infant-- especially two. I also knew that the warm, breathing, babe who needed to be held in my arms to sleep would suffer greatly if I had continued with my pregnancy.

Some gauzy, candle-lit version of me wishes for a sibling for my son and I do have occasional pangs of regret. But the part of me that lives in reality, here in a in a society that has no paid maternity leave, no guarantee to healthcare, no high-quality & affordable child-care or housing, food, and education-- knows that there was no way I could have brought more children into the world and nurtured my baby as he deserved.

I know there are people who will cast judgement on me for these choices, but they're the same ones who would judge me for being the unmarried mother of five children by three different men. The love of a child is so deep, so good, so healing and every choice I've made is in service of giving my now six year old the best possible life. Everything about being his mother is healing, even when it's hard and it often is. Children are little mirrors in that both our flaws and our most admirable character traits are reflected back at us ten-fold. I look at my little mirror and I know I've made the right decisions about my pregnancies.